Car

Poor Brian has been trying to sell our car for 4 months now. We can't even give the thing away. By selling the car, we will get out from under a car payment that will hopefully help us keep me home. Lots of people call and never call back or say they are interested and disappear. I know he is frustrated with the whole thing. We are willing to take a hit to sell it. In fact, we are in order to get the price as low as possible. I won't beg or plead for it to be sold or grovel. But it that is what it takes, I will!
To you the reader (I think the only one who reads this is Erin--thanks Erin! ) please buy our car.

Framed

Tomorrow I am going frame shopping at the Dollar Tree. I am a big spender huh? Step Studies class will officially be over on Saturday. Such a bitter sweet day. I have walked with about 11 other ladies over the past 16 weeks who have opened their lives and struggles and have gotten to see healing and restoration and a good sort of pain that keeps us the feet of Jesus. It will be sad to leave them. It won't be sad to have our Saturdays back! Yahoo! 

To commemorate this experience, I am going to buy frames---hopefully---and put what I would consider the Step Studies Verse in the frame to remind us of where we have been and where we need to be. Then each person will sign the back of the frame that will forever remind us of our knitted hearts. How precious this time has been and I thank God for landing me smack dab in the middle of this. 

Thus says the LORD:"Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the LORD.
He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the LORD.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:5-8

Step Studies Update

So here I am about 14 weeks into step studies and it's a 16 week course. It is based off the AA 12 step model but biblical truths that lie behind each one. I am so grateful to have done this and see how God has been working on transforming my heart into who he wants me to be and not what I have created myself to be. I have been praying for my heart of stone to be replaced w/ a heart of flesh and for God's spirit to sustain me and lead me on his path. That is a slow process that is taking time. I shared my inventory with my sponsor and it was very freeing. That is my Ebeneezer. Which makes me think. How come in the church we don't begin to teach children at a very young age to recognize sin and sin patterns in their life, teach them to confess, then repent? How much easier would it be if we grew up with this way of thinking? It's kinda like I had to do catch up for the past 29 years of sin. From here on out though I can recognize my sin and deal with it immediately instead of stockpiling! I think going through this process will help me be a better parent in that aspect but I have to pray for God to protect me from being critical of others who don't do the "steps" and protection from self-righteousness but instead to lead a life of humility. Ahh, the call of a follower of Christ. Thank goodness for grace!

Satan's Getting Evicted

I have been feeling this oppression lately and darkness over me. I thought I was pregnant (no, I'm not, praise God!). I have been irritable, short tempered, and just not me. It is all coming together now. I know spiritual warfare is real and I am getting a taste of it personally. In step studies, we are now the part of our inventory. This is where we look at our lives and and find all the sin and write it out and how it affects us and others. This is when we shine light on the darkness of our heart and the wickedness that resides in us. It is not much fun to find out all the things that are wrong with you, much less have to confess it openly with a sponsor and pray repentance for each sin. Satan is getting angry because if I expose the lies that he has told me and believed, he no longer has any power. He's getting the boot. Fired. With this process, however, comes pain. I am praying for perseverance.
I sat down and began to write out part of my inventory today pouring out my sins, beginning the repentant process, and there was a weight lifted. There is something about shining the light.
The next step is true repentance. Turning from my sin. Completely away from it.
I pray that once these steps are taken (and will continually have to be revisited), that I can walk in true freedom under the cross of Christ who has already paid my debt to sin and that satan can no longer have a hold me because I am holding on so tightly to Christ.

Pay Day

Most people are excited about pay day. Today was my first CDO check. It was something less than desirable. Almost a little sad. I began to work on the budget for the upcoming month and I am scared. My heart just sank and I am worried. (I know that worry is not biblical!) I am now beginning to wonder for real how we are going to make it. This month marks a "real" month since I no longer pull in a teacher salary. I know God has called us to this point in our life. I know he has us exactly where he wants me---totally dependent on him. I have to pray for protection against doubt and fear and that I would completely trust him to take care of us. I know he can. I have to be willing to let go of the control I hold, and allow him to be God. Frightening for me. He is going to teach me so much during this time and I think humility might just be the first step!

Step Studies

Today I embarked upon Step Studies at our church. It is a 12 week process where you deal with the "junk" in your life. Perhaps you might have some sort of addiction, or co-dependency, or have life issues. This is where you shine the light in the dark places of the soul and reveal yourself to others and come clean. My friend Beckie is doing it with me and I think Brian might join in too. Nothing like unloading a lot of baggage! My prayer through this process is that Satan would have no reign at all and that I would be humble, open to change and transformation, that my eyes would totally be open to who I really am and who Christ really is and experience true freedom. I pray to not walk away defeated and beat down, but that I can lay all my sin on the cross. After all, He has already died for all my sin---past, present, and future.

Thanks Honey

Tonight at dinner, Abs and I were eating her all time favorite-pizza. Third time in 2 days we have had pizza. We were sitting there and this is how it went:
Abbie: I love you very much
Me: Ahhh, thank you. I love you too.
Abbie: That was very sweet.

Yes, yes it was sweet of you to notice you were sweet.

That's Mr. Mister Manager

I am proud of my husband who has been promoted in his job to be a manager. He will be over the reporting team and in addition to that, he gets to travel (his passion) to churches to find how to better serve them with the reports that exist or need to exist. I am proud of his hard work. He started in support three years ago, no degree, and no computer knowledge. God has blessed him in his ability to learn through hands on and books and a sponge for a brain. I am proud of my hubby! Congrats honey! With a humble heart and servant's attitude, may your skills be used to further the kindgom of God.

Work? Been off for 3 months!

Today I reported to work for CDO and I am stressed. There are lesson plans to be made, things to be cut, items to be pulled from shelves, and little 4 year olds to teach. I am use to 4th graders. Slight difference. I hope it all falls into place! Thursday we have meet the teacher and school officially starts next week.
It was nice though to see Abbie so happy that mommy was going to school with her and she wanted me to go in with her. Of course dear, I work here. It was nice to have Ellie with us too and able to take peaks in to her room.

What's Your Motive?

Today's sermon was one of those, "Got me. That's me" sermons. It was out of Luke where Jesus teaches his disciples to pray. To sum it up, prayer should be about God, to God, for God, to glorify God. His prayer was all about God--hallowing his name, asking for just enough strength, mercy, and grace for the day, forgiving others, and needing help in this life. Then the question came: What is the motive behind your prayer? Ouch. That stung. Most of my prayers are self-centered. An example of one of mine is: Jesus, please fix Ellie to be happy. What is the driving motive: to make life easier for me. Does that glorify God or does that become and idol in my life where I want that more than God? I pray for the spirit to keep this sermon fresh on my heart, to begin to pray prayers that are God-centered, and to be mindful and repent when they are selfish.

Goodbye

Today marks an important day. It is my last day to receive a paycheck from work. Now, we will really see what this faith thing is about. I am worried, scared, number crunching, and just don't see how it is going to work. I know we are where God wants us and I am home because he has called me here. This coming month will definitely begin to put things in perspective as we live off Brian's check and my CDO.

Back To Work

Wait, I don't have to go back to work. I don't have to get early and try to get everything done before the house awakes. I don't have to get children ready for day care. I don't have to have someone else take care of my kids while I work. I don't have to be out the door by a certain time. I don't have to worry about team members and meetings or lesson plans. Wow, for the first time in my life, I won't be teaching (I don't really count CDO). This is going to be weird...

Thrush

We went Tuesday for our checkups for the girls. Abs for her 3 year and Ellie for her 2 month. Everyone is doing great. We have a few things to work on with Abbie and Ellie still has thrush. This is basically a yeast infection in the mouth. Hers will not go away so she is on Diflucan. Come to find out, thrush can settle in the esophagus and cause irritability. Hmmmm.....she has been on it 3 days now and we have already seen a huge difference. She is smiling more and cooing and is almost, dare I say, happy? So, was it thrush and the meds that have helped? shots? just being 2 months? She has even gone to bed by 8:30 the past three nights too! Things are finally looking up and praise God alone for that one!

Have you Wii'ed Lately??

Brian bought us a Wii Fit and I love it. I have thoroughly enjoyed the yoga and strength training. I love how it uses the board to see if you are doing everything correctly and you get immediate feedback. When I logged in and set up my Wii, it was a bit depressing when it did the BMI because my Wii got fat. That's encouraging. I have about 15 pounds to lose to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. I am hoping this new game helps. There are a few things though I would like to change.
1. Compete with each other without having to log out then back in.
2. Create a workout that flows instead of having to choose each one separately and waiting for top scores.
3. When it gives you an idea to do another workout, why not be able to click on it as a link instead of going to find it.
Those are things I would like for it to do differently. Other than that, I love it! You should definintely Wii.

Affair

I am having an affair and I told Brian. It's with my slowcooker. I am in LOVE with it! We invested in the slow cooker liners by Reynolds that you place in the slow cooker then throw your stuff in and cook away. When you are done, pull the liner out, and voila! No mess (very little--maybe a rinse). I have found this has saved me much time and headache. Melt down is usually around dinner time so during naps, I put the slow cooker on and come dinner time, it's done. I just love it. I am looking for good slow cooker recipes and Allrecipes is where I have been but just can't find too much. I did find a chicken alfredo recipe. I used the Classico brand and in the end we added egg noodles. It was yummy and Abbie loved it! I recommend that one for sure! If you have a good slow cooker recipes, please share!

10:15 pm

Here it is, 10:15 and Brian now has assumed Ellie duty. She has been crying/fussing since 8:15 tonight. She is tired but won't sleep and when she falls asleep and you move, she wakes up screaming. I do mean screaming. We have the door shut to try to keep Abbie from hearing her. Today marks her 8 weeks in this world with 6 of them with terrible evenings. Tonight takes the top prize though. I have never seen her like this. I have been on her behalf before the throne asking for mercy, relief, and peace over Ellie and this house. That anything evil would be dismissed and for the angels to minister. It is sad when an 8 week old baby cries and has real tears from pain. What is a mother/father to do? How do you help them? The only thing I can say is that she won't remember this (the rest of us and the neighbors will!). Thank goodness.

Tired

Last night was a rough night. Ellie actually played on her play gym and smiled. It was sweet. Abs was at grandparents so that was nice too. Then, 10:00 rolled around and from there till midnight, Ellie was another creature. Screaming, not sleeping till finally we curled up on the couch together and slept. This morning, still crying, not sleeping. Of course she is right now :) The sling works wonders but that doesn't help me at night. We bought Gripe Water and that tends to be the best remedy thus far. Brian has a call to the doctor to see if I need to begin to weed out things I eat to help her. Is she colic? Milk sensitive? Is it her personality? Is she angry?? There are so many questions right now and no answers in sight. I have to turn to God to help me. I pray a lot for help. That my heart would be in the right position to help Ellie and not be frustrated. To love on Abs when I can and often. I have to totally lean on him for help. Even with all that happened last night, I am not too tired. That is Him giving me strength. Abbie being at grandparents when Ellie had meltdowns I believe was him too so that Abbie wouldn't be disturbed. He works in ways we don't think of.

Party Fun

Today was Abbie's birthday party and it was so much fun. We had our trampoline, swing set, small bounce house, pool, and slip and slide. We ordered pizza and had cupcakes and all kiddos got to decorate their own cupcake to take home in a cute cupcake holder. We had lots of kids and friends over and it was so much fun opening our home to everyone. We are going to try something new today too--formula. As you know, Ellie is a bit grouchy and maybe formula might do the trick because it could be something I eat that just sends her tummy off. I am not thrilled about this because it makes me feel, well, like I have failed in some way. Those magazines are right---if you don't nurse, you feel like you are not mom of the year. I will try formula though and if it helps Ellie, that is all that matters! I hope this helps. Any suggestions? Anyone?

Moved to Tears

Things have been very crazy. As most moms know, your day is full of things to do and when two kids don't nap at the same time limits your ability to get things done. Throw on doing a load of laundry a day because your small one spits all the time and colic in the evening (and fussy mornings) can make your nerves shot and a three year old who needs your attention and is dying to play a game with mommy. How do you balance it all? I have not figured it out yet. Tonight though was different. Ellie was pleasant with very few fussy moments and my husband drew my attention to this and said, "Praise God." Yes, praise God. At that moment I began to tear up (and am now as I write) because it has been so hard. Brian is a huge help and even with two of us, it is still tough. I don't know if this was just a good night or if God is allowing the prayer of healing upon our child, but praise his name either way--for healing Ellie or teaching me some character building.

Colic Anyone?

Ellie has colic. Let's just say it is not fun. She spends most evenings screaming and crying whether holding her not. It is pretty crazy around here during this time and most of us can't have a conversation over her cries and Abbie will say, "I can't hear." Me too honey. There is not much we can do except hold her and that takes up a lot of time. So, anyone had a colic baby with some ideas?? We could use some help. The upside is that the doctor said it should be done 6-8 weeks. She's 6 weeks old. Then to top it off, she has reflux. Lots of it! The upside is that she will out grow it in 4-6 months. Needless to say, there is something I am suppose to learn from this experience so I have to be open to that whole sifting thing I mentioned to get out what is in me that needs to be gone. I hope I figure it out soon. Until then, scream on Ellie, scream on!

Sifting

I believe I am about to enter into a time of sifting, just as Satan had asked to sift Peter. Now, I don't know if the devil has asked but I do believe God has some stuff to sift out of me. With me not working, we are taking a huge pay cut and in order to do that, we are forfeiting some things in our life--both good and neutrally moral. We are giving up our Compassion Kid and sponsoring our friends on The Traveling Team. Those are good, but we have to. Hopefully God will make it possible for us to sponsor them again. Neutrally moral things are just the fun things we enjoy doing. So, He will be sifting out of me liking creation more than the creator, aspiring for stuff, eating out just because I don't want to cook, going and doing just to go and do. He will be instilling into me a heart of contentment, gratitude that I can be home, and a humble heart that seeks him more than anything else in this world and turning me toward worship and a faith that he will provide even when I don't see how. Well, at least that is what I hope to get on the flipside, if not more. With a prayerful heart I enter into this season and ask for strength to be broken and built up in his image.

Transform

Today was Transform with our church. This is where we choose a place/location where we can help clean things up by painting, repairing, etc whatever needs to be done. Our location for Denton was Calhoun Middle School. This school is older and needs to have much done to it. Our goal today was tape and paint classrooms. We took Abbie and Ellie with us. Needless to say, I didn't do much. Brian was a taping fool though. It is cool to see so many folks give up their Saturday mornings (and for others, the whole day) to help out. Many were painting, taping, and working in the flower beds, and making stone paths. All to love on these kids, teachers, and administrators with no expectations. Very cool to love like Jesus.

HR Anyone?

After 3 days of trying to get hold of HR, I was finally successful. On Wednesday, I took my letter to HR to ask for a "nurturing leave of absence." I am waiting to hear if it is approved. I don't think it hurt that I had my two kids in tow! They thought were super cute (so do I) and wished me the best. I have to decide by February 1 if I will be returning because a leave is only good for one year. This will at least give us time to see if this whole stay at home thing works out! God has already provided one way by offering Brian a drum gig on Sunday at another church--and he gets paid! Who would have thought. God sure does work through ways we (I) don't ever think of. How creative of Him.
Oh, and last night I ran for the for the first time in 9 months. I ran 1 1/2 miles and it felt GREAT!!!! I can't wait to go again. Tomorrow. I am a little sore today :)

New Beginning

June 5 we were blessed with the arrival of our 2nd child, a girl. Her name is Ellison Noell and we call her Ellie. We have another daughter Abbie who is almost 3. I have prayed for 3 years now to be a stay at home mom and we haven't been able to afford it. I will be quitting my job and we still can't afford it but we are stepping on faith that God is going to provide. I am scared, frightened, and excited because this faith thing is hard for me. It will be a test of daily sacrifice to my wants and dying to the world. It will be realizing the only thing we get is Jesus and that is what matters most in this world. I am eager as to what God will teach us during this process and how he will provide. I will get to be with my girls and know their hearts and nurture them. I am excited about that! My goal is to keep up with this blog thing (as you can see it's not my strength) to mark the path of being home and no longer working (well, a job that pays) and trusting God more than I have ever had to. I step out in faith knowing the God who fashioned the world and knit this desire to mother in my heart will be glorified beyond anything I can imagine. Praise be his name.