Heart Behind Nursing

Brynlie is now 9 weeks old. I am not a fan of nursing and not because of her but me. I began the quitting process only to find I'm back on. Why? Because God got a hold of my heart. You see the whole plan was to stop nursing to get a prescription from my doctor that aides in weight loss. All so I can fit in a pair of jeans to feel better about myself. Here's the problem though, I will still dislike myself, size 4 and all. I didn't like myself then and I don't now. I can always find flaws and things that need to be fixed. To try to find my security in my weight and looking to a medicine to be my savior is all idolatry. The Village Church is working through a study church wide called Gospel in Life. The upcoming lesson is on idolatry and yes, when you care about how you look or how much you weigh it becomes your idol. I also revisited J R Vassar's sermon about fear of man and find myself there as well involving my weight and how I look. No matter what people say or how many compliments I get, until God changes my heart I am doomed to this sin cycle. I am praying for God to break me of this selfishness that exists and may my weight no longer own me but Christ would be sufficient.
I am now nursing again after God clearly put these circumstances in front of me to lead to me to obedience which is never easy especially when I would choose another path which could become destructive. I would love to love myself and truly have eyes to see how he's created me to be. Until then maybe it's time to go shopping and get new pair of favorite jeans until my others fit.