Darkness

Have you ever been in a season of your life where you just feel...darkness? Everything seems to be going wrong (in other words, not how you want it)? No matter what you can't seem to get ahead? I am there. My soul is so tired. And so is my mind. I mean just worn out, nothing left to give tired. I go to bed at 8:30 at night and crash. I can barely make it till then. It's up during the night to take care of Brynlie then up at 6 to start the day which doesn't stop.
I struggle with trying to find time to workout (which isn't working out), work, and dinner. If it's not frozen these days we most likely won't be eating. I miss cooking. Juggling my own self destructive thoughts and allowing bitterness and anger to seep in which is just resulting in a defeated heart. Just an overwhelming sense of....restlessness?
Our Gospel in Life study this week has been idols and boy do I have a few that I need to contend with and ask God to give me victory in. I think Satan knows this too and is just throwing these idols in my face and warring against my soul. Thank goodness Jesus can conquer.
I know this is a season. I know Jesus is Lord and has given me these trials for my sanctification which means for my good and his Glory. I am praying for victory over idols that have long needed to die and that I might have true victory over them through Him. I am praying for my soul to not be downcast but to put my hope in God. I am praying that the things I "know" about God would become my "beliefs" and that I would be unwavering. I need the true gospel, not this religious thing I've created, to sink into my heart.

Heart Behind Nursing

Brynlie is now 9 weeks old. I am not a fan of nursing and not because of her but me. I began the quitting process only to find I'm back on. Why? Because God got a hold of my heart. You see the whole plan was to stop nursing to get a prescription from my doctor that aides in weight loss. All so I can fit in a pair of jeans to feel better about myself. Here's the problem though, I will still dislike myself, size 4 and all. I didn't like myself then and I don't now. I can always find flaws and things that need to be fixed. To try to find my security in my weight and looking to a medicine to be my savior is all idolatry. The Village Church is working through a study church wide called Gospel in Life. The upcoming lesson is on idolatry and yes, when you care about how you look or how much you weigh it becomes your idol. I also revisited J R Vassar's sermon about fear of man and find myself there as well involving my weight and how I look. No matter what people say or how many compliments I get, until God changes my heart I am doomed to this sin cycle. I am praying for God to break me of this selfishness that exists and may my weight no longer own me but Christ would be sufficient.
I am now nursing again after God clearly put these circumstances in front of me to lead to me to obedience which is never easy especially when I would choose another path which could become destructive. I would love to love myself and truly have eyes to see how he's created me to be. Until then maybe it's time to go shopping and get new pair of favorite jeans until my others fit.