Rules, Rules, Rules

I love rules. I really do. Rules tell me what I can or cannot do. It gives me boundaries. The problem with rules for me is they are set in stone. I am quick to judge those who break rules but even quicker to justify my failures. Yes, a love/hate relationship with rules.

Luke 11: 37-52 are the woes to the Pharisees and Lawyers.

The Pharisees get three woes:
1. hypocrisy: tithe everything, even herbs, but neglect to do justice and love God.
2. love for the best seat in the house: they like the praise of others
3. like unmarked graves: those who follow Pharisees are deceived, they lead others astray.

Then it's the Lawyers' turn.
1. They interpret the law, make them hard to bear, but won't even help people keep the law.
2. Hypocrisy for building monuments to the prophets, of "whom they will kill and persecute."
3. Condemned for their interpretation of Scripture that "have taken away the key of knowledge" to understand God's plan of salvation and "hinder those entering in."

I find myself in both. I am like the Pharisee at times who makes sure the outside of the cup is clean, but my heart is not in the right place (vs. 39). I like to "look" a certain way or get a certain response and be praised for what I have done instead of basking in what He has done.

And sometimes, more than I like, I impose rules upon my girls, like the lawyers, expecting them to follow, but not helping them burden the weight of them. Can you say convicting? I set rules to keep routine and stability in the home, sometimes like a drill sergeant, "Do this, do that!" I don't enter into the rules myself, teaching them why they are good, how they help us, why they are needed, and how they can move their little hearts to  actually like the rules. Instead, like the lawyers, I "do not touch the the burden with on your fingers." (vs. 46).

It should not be. Rules haven't saved me. They never can, never will. Only the righteousness of Christ has saved me and out of a deep love and revere for knowing him more deeply, serving him more joyfully, I follow the rules. It's out of an overflow of my heart that has been transformed that I am able to love the rules and appreciate them and know that when consequences come, it is for my good, his joy, even when it hurts.

My girls need me to enter in, to lift a finger, heck, a hand, to hold them, show them how rules are out of a joy and respect and walk with them until God transforms their heart and makes them his.

I must not take away the key of knowledge needed to understand God's plan of salvation. I have entered in and been saved, but they have not. I must do what I can, empowered by the Spirit, trusting in the Lord, to make sure they have heard and know God and pray fervently that he lights that on fire and just blows up their hearts and mind with who he is.

With God...

I am going through the book of Luke with Good Morning Girls Living Like Jesus and this morning the focus verses were Luke 1: 37-38. 

For nothing will be impossible with God.”  And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

The angel had just told Mary she was to have a baby and nothing was impossible with God and Mary's humble response was that she was a servant, let it be. 

The verse that stood out to me was, "nothing will be impossible with God." God opened my eyes a bit to help me understand this a bit more in my life. There are many things I try to get done and I often have a list of things, then I get burdened by the list and there is no joy and I get upset that others aren't helping me with my list of things or are getting in the way. Frustration builds or I just wonder why I try to do it all. It can be from having a clean home, cooking good nutritious meals for my family, bringing my girls up in the Lord, serving others, working out to take care of my body, budgeting well, and fill in the blank with what you are trying to do. And we say, with God, this won't be impossible! Yet, we're exhausted. But I think we cling wrongly to that promise because we need to step back and ask, is this call to do these things from God? If they are from God, I do think they will be possible and if they are from us, there's going to be some friction. 

I will cling to the promise that nothing is impossible with God, when he's ordained it. Yes, raising my kids in the Lord is from God, a biblical call on my life, it will be tough, but not impossible. 

My response, like Mary, is to humble myself, remember I am a servant of the great high King and the things he calls into being in my life won't be impossible as I walk with him. 

Heartbreak Beyond Comprehension

Too fresh in our minds, the news out of Connecticut sent my stomach to turn and almost create in me a sickness that just wouldn't go away. Watching and hearing the news unfold was one horrible story after another. There are so many ways we can turn. We can scream like Piers Morgan at our guests that more guns isn't the answer and how we need tighter gun laws or we can begin to cry out about the mentally ill. I have an opinion. A big one. But one I won't share. It doesn't matter. What matters is there is hope in Christ. Hope for breaking hearts. God has a promise. 
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
Psalm 118:11 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
The LORD knew we would face trials, hardships, pain, and loss. But He has never left us. 
^{John 16:37}
 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Take heart dear believer in Christ, that he has overcome the world. We mourn, cry, pray, praise, and worship until his return. John 16 states that no one can take our joy away. 

Hope

Driving along listening to Christmas music I began to dwell on Jesus as a baby. Blows my mind that he came that way. In the night, breaking the silence with the cries of a newborn. And here he was, with his mom, to save the world.
Something else entered. Hope.
Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." We hope for what we can't see, but Christ in the flesh filled the world with hope. He grew into a man, walked with the sinners, and continued to give hope to those who were shunned by society. He died the death we couldn't, saving us though we put him there, and was raised again. He didn't leave us alone, he gave his spirit to walk with us. And so, we hope again. This time, our hope is that he is coming to rescue us forever.
Christmas is a reminder about the hope we have. Hope to have marriages healed, hope to restore relationships, hope that our children will be saved, and hope that though we struggle, there is eternity waiting.
So, what if this Christmas we filled our homes with hope. When we see lights that we teach our children we are to be the light of the world, that the Christmas tree (even fake ones) are evergreens symbolizing eternal life, and the presents under the tree are not because they are worthy to receive, but because we give out of an overflow of our heart.
What if, as Christians raising our children in a dark world, we give them the one thing they need: Christ. Let's start now. Let's pledge to give our children Christ not just this season, but every day of their life.
When Christ comes, we won't have to hope because we will see. And once we see, we'll never want anything else.

Hot Ham and Cheese Sandwiches

This is a winner that I got from my friend Patti. (Put it on here so I can Pin it and added a random photo so it would Pin)

Hot ham & cheese sandwiches

2 pkgs pepp farm dinner rolls

½ - 1 lb shaved ham frm deli

½ # swiss cheese

Place ham & cheese inside rolls and place in 9x13

On the stove melt:

1 stick butter

3 T brown sugar

1 T mustard

1 T worchestershire

Stir while heating

Pour glaze over sand

Chill in fridge to marinate  (20 min)

Bake 325 10-15 min

Serve immediately

Sanctity of Life. And my 7 year old.

Abbie came home from school to let me know that a friend told her, "Obama wants to kill babies in mommies tummies."
Pause. Freak out. "We'll talk about that later."
Not quite what I was expecting when you ask, "What did you learn today?"
My first thought, honestly, was what parent told their kid this? What did they hear? Why are they telling others? Oh. my.
I didn't say anything else to Abbie. Just needed to sit in it.
This morning I got out the bible and told Abbie that I wanted to talk to her about. Told her that we see what God has to say about things in life and what did God say about this. I read to her Psalm 139. We talked about how God is everywhere, you can't hide. We talked about God knitting her together and that he could see her when I couldn't and that God has determined the days of her life before the earth began. He has for all us. We talked about being fearfully and wonderfully made.
Then I asked what she thought about that. She only agreed.
Then I had to tell her that Obama believes that a girl who is pregnant has the choice to have the baby or not, and that is called abortion, when they murder it. She asked what murder was and I told her they kill it. Her inquisitive 7 year old mind wanted to know how they kill it and I honestly answered that I didn't know, nor did I want to.
I told her based off the bible, God gives life, God takes life. Not us. Every soul is loved by Him.
I never had abortion as a topic of discussion on my radar. Not for a 7 year old. I didn't want to shy from this topic as though it should be taboo. I want her to know truth. God's truth. I want her to run to the bible and seek out God. She might not quite understand this topic fully, and that's ok. But I want the words of the living God to be placed upon her soul as kindling so that they might light a fire in her heart that burns for him and she will know why we believe what we believe because if I don't bring the truth to light, someone else will bring false teaching.

Psalm 139

13 For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

Hands

Lately I've been thinking about my hands. Mainly because I read about the woman in Proverbs 31, specifically vs 20: She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 

I have to admit, I'm not a fan of my hands and when I taught Pre-K I had this little boy tell me I had old lady hands. That was 4 years ago and it has stuck. They are kind of bony, pretty sure those are age spots but I have to look back at the verse, "extends her hands to the needy." Who is needy that you come across? Most frequently, it's my children. Today I have wiped snot, dried tears, cleaned pee up off the floor (and I don't even have a boy!), changed poopy diapers, carried kids, and have hugged my kids and husband. The list doesn't end there. I will be needed to help with homework, put on gymnastics clothes, change more diapers, cook dinner, help with baths, read books, and tuck sweet littles into bed and kiss them goodnight. These hands may be "old lady" hands, but I am serving my family the best I know how. 

In addition to this, I want my hands to be known not to just how I serve my own family, but those in need. Who needs a meal delivered or their kids watched? Who needs help with a project? How might I extend my hand to the poor and needy? That is where I struggle; giving of myself in a generous, abundant way without expectation but an overflow of the generosity that God has toward me. 

I guess I don't mind my old lady hands (most days) as long as I remember who they are serving.

Being Intentional

    “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
   
(Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ESV)

Ah, this command challenges me. I know it's there. I know I should do it but fail miserably at it. The reason is that I trust in myself. Not in God. The great thing about these verses is that when I am constantly doing the aforementioned, I am also constantly teaching myself the gospel. And this what I need. Daily.
God broke me the other day. In a good, merciful, much needed way. My "good" deeds that I do for my family are sucking me of joy because they're exactly that, my deeds. I don't serve my children or husband well because I serve how I think they need to be served and when they don't like how I serve, or interrupt, I get frustrated. Can't they see all my good?! God just spoke to me and said that needed to stop and I needed to serve my family they way they need to be served and stop looking to my agenda. Then I can be free to be interrupted because I am serving them in their way, meeting their needs, pointing them to Christ. (Much different than me yelling to be patient. Now!)
I see the need to be more vigilant about exposing Christ in our family. To try to teach myself the gospel (Good News) and pass that to my children. This week we are working on the fruit of the spirit. I have printed two small books for Abbie and Ellie and printed out game pieces to use as conversation starters at dinner. You could even print out the fruit page with blanks and have your kids write in when they see family members (or friends, strangers, etc) demonstrating these characteristics.  I need to trust in the LORD and when that happens, I won't cease to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 says:
7  f“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

gwhose trust is the Lord.

8  hHe is like a tree planted by water,

that sends out its roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

for its leaves remain green,

and is not anxious in the year of drought,

for it does not cease to bear fruit.” 

A Marriage Testimony

Over the past few weeks I’ve been thinking about our anniversary. It will be 11 years (July 7).  I am ferociously for marriages and am saddened by the ending of so many. Marriage is hard. Ask Brian. He lives with me and I know I am not an easy person to live with.

But God in his mercy has done something amazing. He has blessed this marriage, redeemed it, and continues to sanctify it. He alone. I’m stubborn, selfish, prideful, and more Type A than I care to be. But God…intervenes, changes, and gives fresh hope and new perspectives.

For the first 7 years of our marriage there was a secret sin. Never saw the signs. Never knew anything else was part of this “two shall become one” relationship until my husband confessed his porn addiction. I had watched another marriage unravel from this addiction, saw how each reacted, and witnessing their struggle I think helped me deal with Brian in a grace filled way. It was completely the Holy Spirit that allowed me to give grace to Brian, to fully forgive.

You see, in the early stages of marriage I think my gut reaction would have been to close myself off to Brian, hold this atrocity over his head most likely for the rest of his life, to be distant, not to serve and love as a wife should.  It is quite possible divorce would have been an option. But God, over the course of those 7 years was preparing my heart for the sin Brian committed against our relationship (though it should have never been a secret to start with).  He softened my heart to hear the sin, to forgive, and to walk alongside Brian to fight this battle, to pray for his heart and mind and that God would give him victory. And He did.

This was a catalyst to a much greater, deeper, richer marriage. We followed this up with Step Studies at church, an intensive 16 week program of viewing your life through the lenses of the gospel, seeing your sin for what it is, confessing, repenting, and making amends where needed.

When things don’t go according to my agenda, I have to be intentional about looking at my heart, seeing where my sinful desire or expectation is and repent when needed.  Jeremiah 17:9 says that “The heart is deceitful above all things.” I must constantly be before the Lord asking him to reveal my heart and sin.

As Brian and I have walked in this manner, talking, being open about the tough issues, checking our hearts to see where there is truth and where there are lies, it has lead to a deeper more fulfilling relationship.

I am eternally grateful that we both are being conformed to the image of his Son and that this marriage is a reflection of how Christ loves the church. I pray that God will continue his good work and look forward to where he leads us as a couple and as a family. 

Happy 10 year Anniversary

I would think that 10 years of marriage makes me a professional. If not, at least I'm educated. The past 10 years of marriage have been fantastic. Brian and I have always gotten along and typically have the same vision for our family and when we don't, we work it out.

In the beginning we had a good marriage. But that's it. Just good. Brian left me to my own decisions and sins in order to avoid conflict and hurting my feelings. After attending Step Studies, our relationship evolved. Brian would confront me over my sins. Now, this has never been pleasant for either of us, still isn't, but I have to take what he says, weigh it, find the truth, and repent. I know he doesn't enjoy this part of the marriage, but I must say I welcome it. It grows us in our faith. We are rooted in Christ. We both have our hope in Him alone. We both seek to do his will and pray for ours to be changed where they don't align.

Our marriage has always been good, but I can say now that with the help of Christ through sanctification, it's great.

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.-Proverbs 27:17

My 4 Hour Body Workout

This is what I have chosen as my 4 Hour Body Workout. Quick. Easy. Has proved effective thus far too. It's kind of a nice change too since it's way too hot in my opinion to run.

Monday/Wednesday/Friday

Do it before breakfast and since you're "suppose" to eat within 30 minutes, I roll out of bed and workout.

Flying Dog This shows how to do it--do 15 reps

Glute Raises This video is terrible, but all I could find. Bend your knees when you do it and push from the heel, not balls of feet.

Hip Flexor stretch 30 seconds each side

50 Kettle Ball Swings

Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday

10 burpees I go down into plank position and don't jump at the end, however, maybe I need to for now on. Nah. I squat, jump into plank (then I do a jumping jack with my legs while in plank), jump back, stand up, repeat.

Scroll down on both of these links to see how to do them. He calls the myotatic crunch: Cat Vomit Exercise

Myotatic Crunch

Plank and Side Plank

There you go. Your morning workout. Now go eat protein.

4 Hour Body Recipes

Here are the 4 Hour Body Recipes we use. Since you do Slow Carb for 6 days, we have 6 recipes and are putting them on repeat.

Steak Stir Fry (no rice-we served on fresh spinach)

Chicken Stir Fry (no rice-served on spinach and made the sauce from previous recipe because this one didn't have any)

White Bean Chicken Chili

3-4 Chicken breasts cooked: shredded

16 oz Picante Sauce

1 can chicken broth

3 cans Great Northern White Beans (do not drain beans)

¼ tsp Cumin

Cook 2-3 hours in crock pot on low

Bachelor Stew

1 lb ground beef

1 can Ranch Style Beans

1 Can vegetable soup

Cook beef, drain. Add beans and veggie soup and simmer for 30 minutes.

Another option:

1 lb ground beef

Frozen Mixed Veggies

Beef Broth

1 Can Ranch Style Beans

Follow same recipe as above

Honey-Lime Grilled Chicken with Grilled Asparagus

Yes, I used honey. It was good :)

Salad-think Chipotle

Black beans, hot sauce, grilled chicken, stir fry green bell peppers/onions/jalapenos, cilantro

God and Tornadoes

Abbie sat crying from pure fear about the tornado that "might" come. I consoled her reminding her God is in charge of everything, even the storm. I promised her I would take care of her and protect her and that we had to trust God. She wanted to know what would happen if our house was gone. I reminded her again that God would provide. All truths that were just too tough for my 5 year old to grasp and feel peace about. As I put them to bed I prayed over her; that God would remove the fear and give her peace and this his protection would cover us. Then tucked them in only to have Brian come in a few minutes later yelling, "Get the girls! Something's coming." We gathered out littles in the bathroom where we sat waiting this "something" to come when Brian yelled for me to come look. This is what I saw:

Brian and I chanted please go away. I sat in wonder at this amazing weather. It was hard to take my eyes off it, while contemplating it's ability to totally destroy. The tail spun up into the cloud and it was gone. God was in charge. He did protect. He answered our prayer.

Not only that, but I believe this is a glimpse of the glory of God. Something so amazing. Powerful. Just like he is. A speck inside his ability to have all power. To do as he pleases. I am not only praising God for his protection, but also for getting to see something that actually leaves you speechless. When the words return, it's all about Him.

For Now

Bullying seems to be making the news more and more but part of me wonders if this is media's way of finding something else for parents to worry about. I am sure bullying truly is an issue and does need to addressed, but I think there are boundaries that need to be considered and observations need to be made on part of the bully and the bullied.

Bullying is a learned behavior. For those who bully, have counselors etc looked at the home life of the bully? Are there two parents? Is there divorce? Is the home stable? Is there a positive adult influence in the home? Are the bullies left to TV, movies, video games, or older influences? I think that is key in starting the process into the bullies mind. Kiddos will act out, even in the most horrendous ways, for attention. Are we paying attention?

For the bullied. Parents, it is your job to protect your child. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? I get so frustrated with parents who blame the teacher, administration, anyone but themselves. Stop deferring the safety of your child to someone else. Stand in the gap for your kid. What would that mean? Transfer to a new school, home school, or yes, even move. Are you willing to sacrifice for your child? I don't think you, or them, would ever regret that. Times are tough, I get that. Downsize, make sacrifices, but don't be idle waiting for someone else to intervene. You start the process: eat dinner together, make family time a priority, no matter the cost, make sure your own kiddos treat their siblings with respect and speak kindly to each other, and make sure they know they are loved, valued, and of worth.

Unfortunately, there are folks who don't hold Jesus as Lord and make the gospel central. Heap burning coals on their head, turn the other cheek, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger; these truths seem "old" and therefore irrelevant for our time. But I think if it's in the bible, we need to think upon, dwell upon, and apply. If more folks held these principles to be true in their life, there would be radical change among our kids.

As adults, what messages are we sending our kiddos? Do spouses bully one another? Make them do something they don't want to or berate them? Do you use your status or strength on the game field or intellectual "superiority" in dealing with others? Have you ever lost your temper with your own kiddos and used fear as a means to obedience (guilty as charged)? Perhaps on further introspection, it would be wise to evaluate our own lives to see patterns/habits that might set our kiddos up to be a bully.

Perhaps even in my own life, there is a little bit of a bully in me. By the grace of God he will squash it, conforming me to his image, that I might have soft answers for my kiddos in times of trial. Continual confession, repentance, and making amends will be a constant. And hopefully by doing this continually, my girls will see first hand Godly sanctification.

*this is my opinion as of today and am free to change it on a whim depending on how I feel or if my child is being bullied or I learn they are bullies

(failed) Detox

I took the Cinch 5 day fast forward challenge to shed the rest of the baby weight. I went into this thinking it was the answer to all my problems only to find my heart revealed.

Spinach, eggs, almonds, raspberries, and almonds are good to eat, right? I like them individually but found on day 2 that I would actually begin gagging at the thought of eating these items and finally chose hunger over eating. Yup, lasted two days. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't happy with the way I was so detox was the answer only to find I wasn't happy with that either. Now, those two days were successful and I am back in my pre-maternity clothes (yay!) and to think if I had stayed on the full 5 days, I might have seen even better results.

The deal is, I am trying to fix my self image problem and failing. This past weekend's message was about as humans we try to fix things only to make another problem instead of trusting God. Convicted. I am not fully trusting God. I do with my mouth, but not my heart. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, a woman who fears the Lord-she is to be praised, my imperishable beauty should be a gentle and quiet spirit. Praying that these verses aren't just knowledge, but belief.

I will say that good or bad, the Lord will let me know, it did make me feel a bit better about myself but my identity can't come from a number on scale or on my pants.

My focus should be to be a good steward with the food I eat and the body I've been given and to thank God that he provides.

I might be a loser for quitting, but I am a 4 lbs lighter loser :) And that is something I can live with.

Linguini with Meat Sauce

This recipe is AMAZING. It makes a heap so you might bake and freeze, have friends over, or I used it to make our family a serving and took the other half to a mom who had a baby. It is oh-so good!

Linguini with Meat Sauce (Southern Living Magazine)

2 jars of spagehtti sauce (I just use Ragu)

2lbs lean ground beef

1/2 onion- chopped

2-4 cloves of garlic (I did three large ones)

~Brown ground beef, onion, and garlic until completely cooked and then add both jars of sauce

16oz package linguini cooked, rinsed, and drained

1 handful of chopped green onions

1 pkg cream cheese (I used light)

16oz sour cream (I used light)

~When noodles are done add cream cheese, sour cream and green onions and stir until everything is melted.

Spread noodle mixture in the bottom of greased pan then pour meat sauce on top. Top with (a bunch of) mozzarella or cheddar cheese and bake at 350 uncovered for 30-45 mins or until cheese is bubbly.

Happy Eating for real! :)

Misconception

I have had my husband ask, "Do you still like being a SAHM?" My answer is a resounding, "YES!" I could not imagine getting three littles up in the morning to get them to daycare then off to work for me then pick them up, cook dinner, do laundry, clean house, homework, spend quality time with them, put them to bed only to start over again. I just can't imagine.
Three has proven more challenging than I had anticipated. There are parts that are super easy then there are parts that are super hard. Mostly like the hard is because I am super type-A without being OCD (I think) so any little glitch sends me off my schedule which in turns makes me stress out. Now, I am quite aware of this fault of mine and perhaps even need to pray for transformation in this area a bit more but it doesn't excuse my behavior of of, "Where did the vacuum lines go and why are there toys hanging from the ceiling fan? What were you thinking?" I need to give that up-they're littles.
I have in my head this "idea" of this mom I want to be and I am awesome, but then reality kicks in and Brynlie is crying, Ellie and Abbie are fighting, dinner needs to get started and that awesome idea flies out the window.
Perhaps what I need to do is dump this idea of awesome mom and just be the mom my kids need me to be. Perhaps it's not about being this person but being who I am and just loving my kids, extending mercy, giving praise, encouraging them, and perhaps even let vacuum lines go.

Why Not?

Well, it's been a while since I have been able to sit and blog. Can't imagine with three kiddos needing me, cooking, cleaning, running errands, changing diapers, cleaning, working, cleaning (apparently we're dirty or I have high standards).
Brynlie is growing like crazy-length wise for sure. I have estimated that I have not had a full night's rest in approximately 5 months. I started sleeping terribly as I got towards the end of pregnancy and well, newborns aren't concerned with how little sleep you get either. I am constantly exhausted and literally go to bed at 8:30 just so I can function during the day. I keep telling myself it's a season. I know it is.
To add to change (new baby, one in kinder, and a 2 year old-enough said) we are looking to move. We have put an offer in a house and have had it accepted and are just now waiting to get our house sold. That means being ready at given moment to have a clean house and leave for them to come see it. We have had 9 folks come see it but no offers.
I pray that the home and location we choose would be exactly where God wants us and where we can do the most for Him and the same must be true of those who buy our house-that our house would be the perfect home and location where God can use them or others around us can lead them to Christ. Until then, I sit. And wait. And decorate the new house in my head. I'm becoming mentally attached.
This weekend we take our first road trip as a family of 5 to Austin to see the Laurie Berkner concert. The best part, Bryn loves to cry in the car seat. So I say, why not?

Darkness

Have you ever been in a season of your life where you just feel...darkness? Everything seems to be going wrong (in other words, not how you want it)? No matter what you can't seem to get ahead? I am there. My soul is so tired. And so is my mind. I mean just worn out, nothing left to give tired. I go to bed at 8:30 at night and crash. I can barely make it till then. It's up during the night to take care of Brynlie then up at 6 to start the day which doesn't stop.
I struggle with trying to find time to workout (which isn't working out), work, and dinner. If it's not frozen these days we most likely won't be eating. I miss cooking. Juggling my own self destructive thoughts and allowing bitterness and anger to seep in which is just resulting in a defeated heart. Just an overwhelming sense of....restlessness?
Our Gospel in Life study this week has been idols and boy do I have a few that I need to contend with and ask God to give me victory in. I think Satan knows this too and is just throwing these idols in my face and warring against my soul. Thank goodness Jesus can conquer.
I know this is a season. I know Jesus is Lord and has given me these trials for my sanctification which means for my good and his Glory. I am praying for victory over idols that have long needed to die and that I might have true victory over them through Him. I am praying for my soul to not be downcast but to put my hope in God. I am praying that the things I "know" about God would become my "beliefs" and that I would be unwavering. I need the true gospel, not this religious thing I've created, to sink into my heart.

Heart Behind Nursing

Brynlie is now 9 weeks old. I am not a fan of nursing and not because of her but me. I began the quitting process only to find I'm back on. Why? Because God got a hold of my heart. You see the whole plan was to stop nursing to get a prescription from my doctor that aides in weight loss. All so I can fit in a pair of jeans to feel better about myself. Here's the problem though, I will still dislike myself, size 4 and all. I didn't like myself then and I don't now. I can always find flaws and things that need to be fixed. To try to find my security in my weight and looking to a medicine to be my savior is all idolatry. The Village Church is working through a study church wide called Gospel in Life. The upcoming lesson is on idolatry and yes, when you care about how you look or how much you weigh it becomes your idol. I also revisited J R Vassar's sermon about fear of man and find myself there as well involving my weight and how I look. No matter what people say or how many compliments I get, until God changes my heart I am doomed to this sin cycle. I am praying for God to break me of this selfishness that exists and may my weight no longer own me but Christ would be sufficient.
I am now nursing again after God clearly put these circumstances in front of me to lead to me to obedience which is never easy especially when I would choose another path which could become destructive. I would love to love myself and truly have eyes to see how he's created me to be. Until then maybe it's time to go shopping and get new pair of favorite jeans until my others fit.